Grace upon me. From me.
I’ve had a few days where I couldn’t write here. Life happened. You know how it is. On all those days, I’ve been thinking and longing to get to it. Right up until the point where I got into bed at night, exhausted.
On one of the evenings I even made an attempt to write in bed. I think it would’ve been a crappy poem or whatever it would’ve turned out to be. Just so I could post something.
You see, somewhere in this beautiful brain, an old neuropathway was trying to ignite. Wanting to set in motion thoughts, feelings and actions that does not serve this human any more. In fact, it never did – I just didn’t know it.
Wired into this specific pathway were words and thoughts like: Something is either right or wrong; Finish one thing before you continue to a next; Whatever you do, do it properly; It’s good but you could do better. (Wow, just writing those words brought up a bitter-ish reaction. Is that even a word? Bitter-ish. Lol)
Anyway, I thank God for bringing me into a season where I can LOOK such pathways/mindsets in the eye and weight it. Weight it against His truth about me. My truth. And most importantly, not be tossed into a inner battle. Where my soul is in turmoiled protest against said pathway. Sensing and knowing that there’s another way to think, feel and do when I didn’t get, to what I set out to do.
Yet falling back, over and over again, to the default of the pathway and the turmoil it caused.
A year or so ago, that would have resulted in me closing down this blog. Or perhaps deleting days 1 to 5 of the Writing challenge. Out of shame for not keeping up. Also, judging myself for not posting every day or feeling like a stupid failure. Questioning myself, my reasons for doing this, my skills, blah-blah-blah..
You get the picture.
But, here I am. Writing. Creating with words. Because that’s what I want to do. It makes me happy. In my own rhythm. To my own tune. Because it is part of my truth. Skipping two or three days means just that. A couple of days were skipped. In no way does it mean anything, that the old mindset had me believing.
I know it’s a process: working through such things that’s been set before us as truth. And perhaps it is truth. A truth. Someone else’s truth. But not necessarily in alignment with once own truth.
In this scenario no person or situation were dependent on me writing or not.
There’s no deadline.
Just life – to be LIVED. In abundant grace.